Number 56 is supplied by Thames Water – indeed it probably really is Thames river water that has been filtered.
Last year, after the summer drought, Thames Water imposed a hose pipe ban from August until November. Sounds sensible until you discover that the company is champion at losing water through leaks. 217 billion litres is wasted every year. For some reason newspapers like to measure this unimaginable statistic in units of Olympic swimming pools. So it is 426,875 swimming pools or three and a half times as much water as there is in Lake Windermere. If the swimming pools were put end to end they would extend thirty six miles, or from Reading to Westminster.
Thames W really does excel at water wastage. The best other companies can do is 161 billion litres (Severn Water), 151 billion litres (United Utilities), 103 billion litres (Yorkshire Water) and 69 billion litres (Northumbrian Water). There is no argument – this is a problem that should be addressed. Not least because TW was fined £8.5 million in 2016 for excessive waste through leaks.
On Wednesday a man from Thames Water (their engineers seem always to be male) called to check that no water was being used at No 56 before checking the water meter housed under the pavement. His task completed he painted the cap – a mini manhole cover – blue.
On Thursday another engineer called to perform the same task, drawn to No 56 by the blue meter cover. He reported a small leak on the premises and offered to identify it. As I already knew there is an infinitesimally small leak from the cistern in the upstairs lavatory I took him there. Then he deployed a technique of some subtlety; he called it the Toilet Paper Test. He dropped a piece of toilet paper onto the side of the apparently dry lavatory bowl. It got wet demonstrating an infinitesimally small leak. This is water I pay for so you’d think TW would be pleased, especially when there is an abundance of water at this time of year. They don’t mind if I wash empty yogurt pots or, more extravagantly, jet wash the paving slabs in the back yard. They turn a blind eye if I use the dish washer when it isn’t full. They are indulgent over daily showers and the watering system for the beds in the back yard. But this small leak has got their gander up and it must be fixed.
As I am accustomed, I will use Pimlico Plumbers and incur a charge of almost £100. It will take at least twenty-five years to recoup that in water saved but it must be done and TW will call again to see that I have been obedient. Meanwhile multiple Niagara Falls of water spew onto the streets of London from ruptured water mains.
I nearly forgot, the kindly TW engineer restored the meter cover to black so we won’t be shamed for our incontinence.
Let’s bear in mind that while TW has been losing 426,875 swimming pools of water, the company has been richly rewarding its shareholders at the expense of fixing its capital infrastructure. According to the Times, TW paid out £37.1 million last year and £1.6 B-I-L-L-I-O-N over the past 12 years to its shareholders. As customers, we can only sit by as victims of leaky TW’s pipes while their shareholders are sprayed with cash.