To Jeremy In Islington

This summer I have been trying to interest Jeremy Corbyn in this blog. No good hoping that he will like my politics so I have put in pictures of manhole covers on three occasions. So, Jeremy, now that I have your attention I have some advice for you.

First, there is the Privy Council ceremony. This will be a breeze. A tactful courtier will brief you on how to comport yourself. He will tell you because of your dodgy knees the footstool has been removed and you may stand and make a small – very small – nod of your head. The Queen will look sympathetic and ask if it is because you kneel on so many pavements inspecting manhole covers that your knees are shot.

Now you must kiss Her Majesty’s hand. She will be wearing a ring for you to kiss. It’s really big so you can’t miss it. Obviously this is wholly unacceptable, Jeremy, and I completely agree that you should not do this. Imagine the number of people who have slobbered over that ring and what unspeakable germs you would pick up.

I was taught the ploy you must adopt by my grandfather, although he didn’t envisage my joining the Privy Council. He was visiting John McGinn in Dundalk hospital. Mr McGinn was the dairyman at Barmeath. His visit coincided with a visit by the bishop and everybody was expected to kiss His Grace’s ring – spectacularly high-risk in a hospital.

Place your thumb, Jeremy, over the ring and kiss your thumb. Interestingly, Tony Benn gives the same advice in his diaries. Here is an extract written in 1975.

‘We went into the Privy Council, and we all had to get down on one knee on a footstool and have the oath administered and go forward. I of course was affirmed and kissed hand, and I always put my thumb out and kissed my thumb. And we all stood there holding our little red boxes, I mean it really was ridiculous.’

So don’t worry about the Privy Council, what you need to think about is the banquet you will attend when the President of China, Xi Jinping, pays a State Visit next month. You don’t have white tie and tails in your wardrobe, so you’ll have to rent them or wear a dark suit. Your call, Jeremy, thanks for reading and here’s one of those Norwegian manhole covers.