A Modest Proposal

The Friends of Margravine Cemetery are aware of the problem of drugs being sold in the cemetery and this month will bring their concerns to the attention of the Parks Police and the police. I hope a representative from Hammersmith and Fulham Council might attend too.

It is most unfortunate that the dealers are of colour and rather young. Barons Court has the best butcher in London, a parade of good shops and now we need to raise our game in the distribution of drugs. It is of course admirable that drug dealing is done in the open air in our beautiful cemetery. Buying a Class A drug al fresco is a fine thing, complying with government guidelines on distancing and with no requirement for vendor or customer to wear a face mask, although the former, charmingly, often sports a hood. But we need to make changes.

The nub of the matter is that there needs to be greater diversity. I would like to see older, whiter traders and more women. Drug dealing is an appropriate job for mothers looking for part-time work. There may be openings for older men too. To be frank, I’m not convinced that the current dealers pay attention to quality-control. This needs to be addressed – Barons Court should aspire to the highest standards. I envisage drug buyers using Margravine Cemetery as they use Fortnum & Mason or Harvey Nichols. Also there should be a good choice:

• heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and LSD 
• speed, cannabis, ketamine, mephedrone and some amphetamines 
• anabolic steroids, GHB and some tranquillisers 

I am confident that we can make great improvements in the distribution, quality and choice of drugs in our cemetery. Our dealers will help with the gardening, specialising in grass, and our community will be enriched. Perhaps this small, listed mausoleum could be re-purposed so that dealers have shelter when the weather is inclement? Our borough needs to create jobs not hotels.