Two Tossers

Can you see me in the picture? Well, actually, I haven’t got the job – yet.

“A career at the WTO Secretariat means a lot of things. You will be working in a truly diverse environment, interacting with more than 600 staff members from about 80 countries. Your workplace will be Geneva, Switzerland, in the WTO’s headquarters next to Lake Geneva. You will have the opportunity to work in the WTO’s three official languages — English, French and Spanish — and participate in the evolution of multilateral trade. If you find this appealing, a career at the WTO could be for you!”

I worry that I may be over-qualified; fluent in written and spoken English, French “O” Level and a Spanish “O” Level (failed), a degree in Psychology, leadership qualities developed in the army and thirty-nine years in international commerce. By the way, I passed Geography “O” Level so don’t need to be told where Geneva is. Of course, you will say, there was that nasty brush with the Law in Richmond Park when Bertie was found off the lead in an area designated for nesting skylarks but I believe I could be a competent leader of the WTO. I will not seek to enrich myself or my friends, sorry friends, and I will encourage a playing field more level than a billiard table – an Oxford college lawn will be my target.

But let’s take a look at the other candidates. All good chaps – no girls, it’s a man’s world in the WTO – and leading the field from the UK are Lord Mandelson and Doctor Fox. I don’t want to bad-mouth the competition but I’d like to remind you the former was twice forced to resign from the Cabinet and has a list of alleged improprieties as long as an international trade treaty.

Now Doctor Fox. He is, you may be surprised, a medical doctor and has practiced. Unlike friends of mine who are qualified, he chose not to re-enlist in the NHS during the coronavirus need. I expect he’s too important. Like Lord Mandelson he has falsified his expenses and breached parliamentary rules. These two old lags may seem to have turned over a new leaf but putting them near the WTO candy jar will surely lead to recidivism. “Come onto my yacht, said the spider to the fly.”