My Name’s Bertie, Beagle Bertie.

I don’t often hear from Babs and when I do she is usually in a hole and needs help. No Time to Die isn’t the most auspicious title for her new James Bond film.

She called to ask me to write a screenplay for the next in the series. I ran a few ideas by her. I especially liked Bond at Blandings and the, perhaps too erotic, Moneypenny Nights. But Babs is Babs and insists I stick to the formula. So my idea is that an evil genius persuades about a thousand people from more than forty countries to converge on a target state. They arrive in the capital and mingle for three days before spreading out across the country to meet local people in close proximity. It is a perfect way to spread Covid and destroy the target country. Then they go home and spread the infection and the world will die. That’s what will happen if full-scale Election Observation Missions resume before there is a vaccine.

In an exciting development there will be a canine actor playing James Bond – the first Beagle Bond. Bertie is practicing a few stunts and lapping fake Martinis/Bertinis with insouciance. Snoopy has been cast for some aerial dog fights. My working title is Octodoggy.

Cinemas will be equipped with sprinklers so when Bertie comes out of the water and shakes himself audiences will get wet and remember Ursula Andress. There will be exciting chase scenes in Richmond Park (subject to approval by the Parks Police). Beagle-mania will grip Hollywood and there are already intrusive questions about his siring puppies – I say, “Doctor? No!”